Do's and Don'ts

Italy has been incredible. A much needed rest after a month in Africa. It has been moments of laughing till I almost pee, good food and, and the best of friends. Ireland was incredible too.

Traveling from Africa straight to Ireland and then Italy was a stretch for me. It took till Italy to realize I was experiencing culture shock. My range of emotions in Africa went from joy to a need for justice to mourning to so many others. I spent the days rarely wearing shoes or make up and living off Cornmeal and Chicken. Then all of sudden I am in Ireland eating cheese and pasta and drinking beer and feeling so off balance. It took me days to realize I was very conflicted. I was caught up in the joy of seeing my friends and enjoying hot water again. There were moments of silence where I would start to wonder why I was feeling so confused.

All of a sudden I was afraid. Here I am in a country where its legal for me to drink and I had not even stopped to question whether or not I was supposed to be consuming any alcohol. I knew that I was not being irresponsible but I still felt like I was sitting in a puddle refusing to look at God. After a month of depending on God alone I had ripped control from his hands again and was refusing to look at him.

We were on a Train to Sienna and I had my first moment of alone time since I left Africa. I was craving a moment alone with God. The only way I could explain it is that my soul was crying out and I wanted nothing other than to curl up with my bible and my ipod and spend the train ride with my Jesus. I sat there and said nothing but here I am. For awhile I just sat listening to my worship music. Then I heard God in my heart. He said Kate you treat my kingdom like its a country club. If you wear the wrong thing or say something unkind or drink than you will be kicked out of my club. That is not how I work. You are sealed in my name and the fact that you see those imperfections allows me to do the work you would try to do yourself.

I heard God speaking to me about how I often make a list of rules that I need to follow. Do's and Don'ts. Instead of a list of wants. I want to spend time with you lord. I want to sit here and not move because your presence is so beautiful. I want to spend time with you instead of doing something else. Then I started to wonder how many times I say should rather than want. I sat there on the train and put my journal down and began to cry. I spent the rest of the train saying nothing, reading nothing, and enjoying the peace that comes with loving the lord and wanting a relationship with him.

I dont pretend to be perfect or get the answers right all the time but I do know that I love God with all that I have and all I am. I want to spend my life trying to please him out of sheer love not fear or condemnation. I want to pursue God like I would any guy. I want to feel free to be mr and realize that often my mistakes are a breeding ground for Gods wisdom, humility, and grace.

Europe is AMAZING!! But i miss my family and everyone back at home. I am ready to come home!!

Growth... the good kind

Leaving Africa was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. We visited a third world village on thursday and I finally understood why God had taken me on this trip. Some missionaries we had befriended during our trip wanted us to come out and look at the community development project that they are working on. They work in a village called Grepe. Before they arrived the occupants ate one meal a day and HIV was running rampant due to the local brothel. We arrived and most of the men were in a drunk stupor because alcohol is cheap and they cannot find jobs so what else should they occupy their time with. We were walking through this village looking at a school that housed 265 kids when really a hundred kids was its capacity. A herd... and I mean herd of kids followed our team. The ages spanned from 1 to 12 or so. And they were fascinated with our hair. From time to time you would feel a quick hand sneak up to touch the very fascinating discovery. It made me giggle. As we walked through the town I was overwhelmed with the level of poverty we were seeing. I was beginning to understand why the boys we worked with had to leave their homes and find a life on the streets. Then I saw this little girl on the fringe of the group of kids. She was not running and playing with the others. She was leaning against the house and eating some sort of plant. I felt a check in my heart and turned around to go to her. As I got closer I could tell she was very sick. Her whole body was covered in soars and her eyes did not look right. I was still sick and for a second thought no I will leave her here. Then I asked God to protect me... I did not care what that girl had I knew I needed to hug her. I asked her name... Anna Banda she said. She was 5. I asked if she wanted to walk with me and she latched onto my hand and never let go. My heart broke. I started sobbing in the middle of this village. For the first time since I had stepped on African soil I felt my heart soar as God intended it to. I realized there is a reason I am never passionate about the USA. Because I was made to reach those who do not feel loved, I was created to find the lost and show them that Jesus is there... Always. This little girl left an imprint on my heart that will never leave. And I will never  forget those little hands clasped onto mine as I hugged her. She smiled once... and it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. My heart split and I realized Jesus loves you... really loves you. I was not just saying out of habit this time, for the first time in my life I was getting a glimpse of my fathers heart and it will dictate the direction in which my life goes from this day on. Anna Banda has sickle cell and has less than 6 months to live. I will probably never see that girl in heaven but I pray that God tells her what she has done for me.

The Boys
We said goodbye to the boys on Friday. Man that just sucked. There was no other word to describe. Well, there is but its not appropriate for posting on a public blog :) One of the older boys Benny G that I had really connected with walked up to me and said Kate you promised not to cry. He wiped the tears off my face and then we both lost it. I think he and I sat there for the longest hug of the century. It was so hard. Captain Jack got up to tell us goodbye and couldnt finish what he wanted to say because the tears came. I got on the bus after we left put on my sunglasses and ipod and asked God to show me how to depend on him. Because I do not want to run from pain... but it hurt to watch those boys waving as we drove off. I do not know if I will ever make it back to that place but I pray that one day God will let me. One day. But if I do not I know that my international adventures are only just beginning. I have a heart for those kids. And jesus knew it all along.

London
London was gorgeous. Big Ben has been my favorite site of all so far. I learned something last night. The longer I walk with the Lord more I see. Its exhilirating and hard. We were in downtown London, where all the clubs are. The active part of London late at night. There were moments where I had to tell myself to stop looking because of the lack of clothing on most of the people around me. I forgot what our culture is like. And then I remembered how consumed with this world i used to be. I was struggling last night, there were clubs, and charming guys, and the whole lifestyle I gave up. I could feel myself slipping. And as I was walking down the street, Job 31:1 popped into my head. I have made a covenant with my eyes not to look upon anyone with lust. My eyes were opened and the scripture I have been memorizing the last month flooded into my head consuming every thought. I shut up and realized wow god this is what this is like. I started singing and quickly put my Ipod in my ears. Walking through the red district of London singing Hillsong and feeling at peace with God. I never imagined in my life I would do that... Ever. As I walked the glitz and glamour disappeared and I felt nothing but freedom. I thanked God for reminding me how easy it is to slip back into that life. Its not hard... thats what makes walking in truth so hard. But I was soaring on eagles wings last night. I was so thankful for everything God has taken me through and from. Because my life... is his. The End

Trust and Clinics

Important Facts
1. Do not take doxycycolin (aka malaria medicine) while lying down or with anything less than a cup of water. Apparently you can burn your throat and cause very intense inflammation.
2. Do not take Ibuprofen when taking doxy it creates more swelling because the two drugs conflict.
3. Eat soft food nothing acidic.

I took an eventful trip to the clinic today when I woke up this morning and was struggling to take deep breaths. The lovely doctor sent me for some tests... I do not have malaria. And got me a nice bunch of anitbiotics to get rid of my cold and my swelling and to help me breath again. God is good. Always.

The verse that the lord has been giving me through these somewhat stressful times is
1 Thessaloninans 5;16-17

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. 

This trip continues to surprise me at every turn but I am thankful to be here. I am thankful that God knew what it would take to help me learn and when things have gotten hard and not what I expected... he has been there. Reminding me that my prayers do have power and that he does listen to every word I say. even when I am living in his will I can still tell him how I feel and what I need. 

This is our last week in Zambia and things have not been as imagined but I am learning. i am honored to be here with this team. And have been realizing all the good that is going to come from this trip. I got to talk to my family this week which really helped. I am so thankful for all your prayers and support. It means so much to me. 

P.S. 

Mom this purity ring was the best gift you have ever given me. I have now gotten out of over a dozen marriage proposals and even a few kisses. I just smile and say no... sorry married. Most of the time it works. A few have told me i shouldnt be married one girl got asked if she would divorce her \husband. they are quite persistant. 

prayers for our team this week would be great!!! Love you all. 

Kate in the Lions Den

I leave Africa in ELEVEN days. I cannot believe it. It does not seem possible to me that I have been in this country for almost three weeks.

God sent his angel to shut the lions mouth so that they would not hurt me for I have been found innocent in his sight. Not a scratch was found on him for he had trusted in his God. -- Daniel 6:22,23

A bible story that I have heard all my life became a very real thing for me on Sunday. Our team got to play with 18 month old lions. These guys were the size of us. We were armed with two trainers and some sticks. Other than that... we were told to not make eye contact and stay behind the shoulder. As we were playing with these amazing creatures I could not help but thin if what a miracle Daniel experienced. At any point one of these huge cats could have taken my head off. They were trained dont worry mom. :) But the point is that I felt my fraility and Gods power as I watched these animals walk and jump from trees. It was the most amazing moment of my life but my heart continued to beat at a very fast pace until we had left the lion walking area. Livingston was incredible.

The last few days have been hard. A few of our team members have gone home and the youngest Zibani really connected with one of the boys. He was in the corner crying with his goodbye note yesterday and I had to hold my breath to stop the tears. I could not figure out why I was not able to look past it like the other team until God brought up why he had brought Naza and I together last night. Between the tears God spoke to me about the way I love and the way I walk in fear of pain. But this trip... this trip will end with tears and my heart broken in places. Not in a bad way but it wont be a walk in the part.

Psalm 52:8 says that I will trust in the unfailing love of God forever. So if he is supplying with the kind of love I need for the people and circumstances around me, than he will supply the strength to let go and realize feeling pain is only a part of life, it does not have to dictate how I live. Naza and I are inseparable when we are at the shelter. He does not speak alot of english, mostly njanje. But he knows how to ask if I am coming tomorrow. In eleven days I will have to say No. Leave him with a note and a promise to write when I get home.

The Lord gave me 2 Timothy 1:7-8 says that God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power, love and self discipline. That boy has opened up my heart to love. Which sounds in itself cliche but the walls I place around me to protect myself from the world have come crashing down. But in a gentle way. In a way where I know that I will never forget that boy no matter how hard it is on July 2nd to leave that compound.

God has  given me an amazing girl on my team to connect with and she has been my saving grace. I have never been so thankful for the presence of a person in my life. Team dynamics are still trying but a wise person gave me a thought to think about. Our brothers and sisters in Christ have a way of stretching us. As I feel the anger flare those words pop into my head and God reminds me of Matthew 7:1-2. The lord is about unity and I am learning how to walk in truth despite some very trying circumstances.

So for the weeks ahead well... we shall see what God has in store. Until then love you all !!1

My Testimony

I gave my testimoney for the first time in a group last night. It was incredible. God gave me words and the things in my life that have not been completed disappeared from my memory till after. I cried but what person doesnt when you are remembering all the places in your life that God has met you. It was a peaceful experience and I felt my roots settle into Africa. It took awhile for me to come out of my shell but here I am.

God gave me Isaiah 61


To all who mourn in Israel he will give a crown of beauty for ashes
joyous blessing instead of mourning
festive praise instead of despair
In their righteousness they will be like great oaks that the Lord
has planted for his glory 

The more I ponder my life story, the more I realize God is preparing me for great things. Things that will glorify his name even if sometimes I drag my feet in defiance. Thank you Lord for your patience and grace.


We are in Livingston this weekend. We are staying at a different YWAM base and its amazing. They have internet. No hot water but you know what you cant always have everything you want.

The past few days I was reintroduced to American food. Let me tell  you that was fun. I quickly discarded it and waited on the Nshima I was anticipating for dinner. I think coming home is going to be an interesting. I love all the fresh food here. And so does my body. :)

It has been great to take off for a weekend adventure. The kids we are hanging out with are wonderful but it takes a lot out of me. We were in downtown Lusaka two days ago and we ran into a group of street kids. They got up and started to dodge us until they realized we were not going to kick or throw things at them. These kids are so precious. Most on some sort of inhalant but precious and starving for any form of love. The girls are the hardest because they are used to the corrupt security guards. It breaks everything in me.

Realizing that i only have two weeks left broke my heart on the bus today. I have fallen in love with Naza. That boy... oh that boy. He and I just click. He made me a necklace yesterday. He had to redo it three times because it broke but he insisted that he be the one who tied it onto my neck. Because i was his best friend. When I show up he sticks to my side like glue. Oh leaving is going to be harder than I ever imagined 

Under the Microscope

So the past few days I have been sick. Having a really high fever and nausea in a foreign country just seems to make the already crappy situation worse. But I am loaded on flu meds and praying that it gets better before we head to Livingston this weekend.

Over the past few days I have been sleeping alot. During the times I am not my head is constantly filled with questions. More and more aspects of my walk with God are being called into question. Things about my personality that I usually brush off and ignore. The thing about Africa is that there are no distractions. So what ever you dont want to look at comes up first.

We went to our first church in Kauda Square. An area outside the bustling city of Lusaka. Church was very long 8 am to 12:30. Then after the pastor wanted us to teach the youth ministry. It was unexpected and we were not prepared. So they served us lunch. Nshima ( pronouncd shima) and very fresh chicken and some vegetables of some sort. It was very umm.... unappetzing? Many of those on our team were struggling to get it down. I among them. One of the girls from colorado Jackie and I were the last done. That was when I looked up and saw the looks on the faces of all the woman around us. I sat down and realized I was going to eat everything on my plate even if I was up puking all night. I have never been so moved by the generosity of a people. Zambians are the kindest people I have ever met. Jackie and I asked if we could help with dishes and they were blown away. Why would mazuengos (white people) offer to do their dishes? I suddenly realized Kate, this is not about you. It is not about your dietary preferences. You are here to love and honor regardless of what that looks like. Even when men are telling you that they would like to marry you. Because they like white women. Anytime we are in town most of the girls are proposed to multiple times. I have been using my purity ring as a wedding ring to get myself out of dealings involving goats and multiple wives. It is very entertaining.

Over the past few days I have felt like Peter when he denied Christ. I have felt out of balance. There was a night of heavy conflict and I sat through it without uttering a word. Then I started to realize its not me loving  people well when I am going off on my opinion about something. Yes there will be moments of me standing for what I believe but listening to those around you can be just as big. I am often the one rebelling and standing behind my "I am being authentic mask." But what I am learning is that I can be who I am and glorify god with my words and actions. I do not always have to be panicked that someone is putting me in  a box or giving me rules that are stupid. I can just be Kate. A lot of the past few years I have gotten my identity through being the wild one, the crazy one, but now I am realizing rebellion just encourages others around you to do things that may be ok for you but are hurtful to them. I want to be a leader that honors and encourages and teaches truth and love. I do not want to constantly feel like I have  been out of control to make my point.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3 talks about how all the actions in the world mean nothing unless they are based in love. I want to get to the point where I am obedient not legalistic. I want to have grace when I do not see eye to eye with someone. I want to love unconditionally. I want to learn when God brings something to my attention.


One of the boys at the Makeni Orphanage is named Naza. His good friend Zabone is 9. Naza is 11. They have captured my heart. Naza will just come and sit by me and just place one hand on my leg. He just sits. Doesnt usually talk but he and I have come to an understanding. Zabone is the one when asked if I could have a picture with him he looked at me and said No. Then smiled and pranced off to enjoy his joke. He is spicy and can do the best Michael Jackson dancing impersonation. Some of the older boys love to play soccer with us and you see a whole new side of them when we play. They laugh at our terrible soccer skills but love playing with us anyway. When I look at these kids I love their desire of knowlege. They always want to read with us. I have never seen education as a gift until now. I am learning so much from these kids.

2 Corinthians 4:7 talks about how we are clay jars trying to contain a great jar and the our inability to contain it is what makes it so clear that our power comes from God. I am starting to understand that. Between being sick and lonely and angry at points I have begun to understand that I am not able to do things on my own but therein lies my beauty.

Love you all

Pray that this flu would cease and for team unity.

Taking A Break

My Day Off
So yesterday I stayed on base while the rest of the team took off into town. I was really struggling the night before and realized I was done with people for awhile. I did not want to take a break because I am already having a hard time connecting with the team and I did not want to look bad. But the Lord quickly addressed what I needed to do and I decided it was best to obey. As everyone else took off for the market or the drop in center I was sprawled out in the garden on a mat in the sun. I had my music blasting in my ears and my bible in my lap. I took a deep breath and realized... yes- this is exactly what I needed.

The last few days have been really hard for me. For the first time in my church camp history I am not the one trying to push boundaries. There are many different personalities and lifestyles on this trip. I guess I was expecting another Mexico trip. This is definitely not what I got.Its been really hard. A lot of the time I catch myself feeling like I am on the outside looking in. I was having a hard time being myself. Everything felt fake and robotic. I was not doing so well. The kids were probably the only thing that kept me focused and not realizing I was ready to leave. I really connect with Crystal our group leader but I am the youngest on the team. No one really listens and most just overlook me. 

I will never fail you 

I will never abandon you

Hebrews 13:5  

But then I sat in that garden with the lord and I remembered. You know who I am. The good and the bad. The hurt and the joy. Lord teach me to have a good attitude and understand that what I need comes from you. Your approval dictates my life no one else. I sat there and just felt overwhelmed with how hurt I have felt. I did not even realize that I was that bothered. I asked the lord to give me insight into our team dynamics and a special heart and grace for each member. I asked forgiveness for harboring any anger. But still I felt off. Then my wall of self defense came down. And amongst that lovely mess was...

Me. Just me. Kate. The daughter of a king. The warrior of truth. And I was hurt. I was lonely and upset. I wanted to get on a plane and go home. I wanted someone who knew me just to rush up and hug me until I could breathe with peace again. I wanted something normal something to be stationary familiar. Thats when God showed up. 

Isaiah 54:10 

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken. 

Song of Songs 8:6-7 

For your love is as strong as death its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love, rivers cannot wash it away. 

As I sat in the garden totally alone I started to realize. Though no one understands me and I do not feel like I belong. God is with me. He will not abandon me. Though the circumstances have not changed I am regaining my voice. Slowly but surely I am remembering who I am and what I stand for. This is going to be a hard month. But the lord did not put me here on this team in this country for nothing. His timing is perfect. So I have to trust in him. 

IF you could only grasp how wide and how long and how high and how deep 

then you'd know, yes, I really love you.

Do you wonder if you are too far away from me?

My love is wider still

Do you think that you've been away too long? 

My love will wait longer. 

Do you believe that no one would ever want someone like you? 

My love is higher than all the others. 

Have you been sure that you are too far gone?

My love is deep enough to reach even you.

You cannot fall past my love

You cannot outrun my love 

You cannot reach the end of my love

It is wide and long and high and deep enough for you. 

If you could be praying that I learn to walk as who God has created me to be even through adversity. That God would give me an understanding for those around me. That I would walk in supernatural grace and mercy. That I would regain the voice to stand and declare this is who I am and what I stand for. I want to be who I am no matter who I am with or where I am. God has built a foundation under my feet and now he is teaching me how to stand on it and rely on him when all else is moving. 

I miss you all so much!!!!!!!