Under the Microscope

So the past few days I have been sick. Having a really high fever and nausea in a foreign country just seems to make the already crappy situation worse. But I am loaded on flu meds and praying that it gets better before we head to Livingston this weekend.

Over the past few days I have been sleeping alot. During the times I am not my head is constantly filled with questions. More and more aspects of my walk with God are being called into question. Things about my personality that I usually brush off and ignore. The thing about Africa is that there are no distractions. So what ever you dont want to look at comes up first.

We went to our first church in Kauda Square. An area outside the bustling city of Lusaka. Church was very long 8 am to 12:30. Then after the pastor wanted us to teach the youth ministry. It was unexpected and we were not prepared. So they served us lunch. Nshima ( pronouncd shima) and very fresh chicken and some vegetables of some sort. It was very umm.... unappetzing? Many of those on our team were struggling to get it down. I among them. One of the girls from colorado Jackie and I were the last done. That was when I looked up and saw the looks on the faces of all the woman around us. I sat down and realized I was going to eat everything on my plate even if I was up puking all night. I have never been so moved by the generosity of a people. Zambians are the kindest people I have ever met. Jackie and I asked if we could help with dishes and they were blown away. Why would mazuengos (white people) offer to do their dishes? I suddenly realized Kate, this is not about you. It is not about your dietary preferences. You are here to love and honor regardless of what that looks like. Even when men are telling you that they would like to marry you. Because they like white women. Anytime we are in town most of the girls are proposed to multiple times. I have been using my purity ring as a wedding ring to get myself out of dealings involving goats and multiple wives. It is very entertaining.

Over the past few days I have felt like Peter when he denied Christ. I have felt out of balance. There was a night of heavy conflict and I sat through it without uttering a word. Then I started to realize its not me loving  people well when I am going off on my opinion about something. Yes there will be moments of me standing for what I believe but listening to those around you can be just as big. I am often the one rebelling and standing behind my "I am being authentic mask." But what I am learning is that I can be who I am and glorify god with my words and actions. I do not always have to be panicked that someone is putting me in  a box or giving me rules that are stupid. I can just be Kate. A lot of the past few years I have gotten my identity through being the wild one, the crazy one, but now I am realizing rebellion just encourages others around you to do things that may be ok for you but are hurtful to them. I want to be a leader that honors and encourages and teaches truth and love. I do not want to constantly feel like I have  been out of control to make my point.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3 talks about how all the actions in the world mean nothing unless they are based in love. I want to get to the point where I am obedient not legalistic. I want to have grace when I do not see eye to eye with someone. I want to love unconditionally. I want to learn when God brings something to my attention.


One of the boys at the Makeni Orphanage is named Naza. His good friend Zabone is 9. Naza is 11. They have captured my heart. Naza will just come and sit by me and just place one hand on my leg. He just sits. Doesnt usually talk but he and I have come to an understanding. Zabone is the one when asked if I could have a picture with him he looked at me and said No. Then smiled and pranced off to enjoy his joke. He is spicy and can do the best Michael Jackson dancing impersonation. Some of the older boys love to play soccer with us and you see a whole new side of them when we play. They laugh at our terrible soccer skills but love playing with us anyway. When I look at these kids I love their desire of knowlege. They always want to read with us. I have never seen education as a gift until now. I am learning so much from these kids.

2 Corinthians 4:7 talks about how we are clay jars trying to contain a great jar and the our inability to contain it is what makes it so clear that our power comes from God. I am starting to understand that. Between being sick and lonely and angry at points I have begun to understand that I am not able to do things on my own but therein lies my beauty.

Love you all

Pray that this flu would cease and for team unity.