So yesterday I stayed on base while the rest of the team took off into town. I was really struggling the night before and realized I was done with people for awhile. I did not want to take a break because I am already having a hard time connecting with the team and I did not want to look bad. But the Lord quickly addressed what I needed to do and I decided it was best to obey. As everyone else took off for the market or the drop in center I was sprawled out in the garden on a mat in the sun. I had my music blasting in my ears and my bible in my lap. I took a deep breath and realized... yes- this is exactly what I needed.
The last few days have been really hard for me. For the first time in my church camp history I am not the one trying to push boundaries. There are many different personalities and lifestyles on this trip. I guess I was expecting another Mexico trip. This is definitely not what I got.Its been really hard. A lot of the time I catch myself feeling like I am on the outside looking in. I was having a hard time being myself. Everything felt fake and robotic. I was not doing so well. The kids were probably the only thing that kept me focused and not realizing I was ready to leave. I really connect with Crystal our group leader but I am the youngest on the team. No one really listens and most just overlook me.
I will never fail you
I will never abandon you
Hebrews 13:5
But then I sat in that garden with the lord and I remembered. You know who I am. The good and the bad. The hurt and the joy. Lord teach me to have a good attitude and understand that what I need comes from you. Your approval dictates my life no one else. I sat there and just felt overwhelmed with how hurt I have felt. I did not even realize that I was that bothered. I asked the lord to give me insight into our team dynamics and a special heart and grace for each member. I asked forgiveness for harboring any anger. But still I felt off. Then my wall of self defense came down. And amongst that lovely mess was...
Me. Just me. Kate. The daughter of a king. The warrior of truth. And I was hurt. I was lonely and upset. I wanted to get on a plane and go home. I wanted someone who knew me just to rush up and hug me until I could breathe with peace again. I wanted something normal something to be stationary familiar. Thats when God showed up.
Isaiah 54:10
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken.
Song of Songs 8:6-7
For your love is as strong as death its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love, rivers cannot wash it away.
As I sat in the garden totally alone I started to realize. Though no one understands me and I do not feel like I belong. God is with me. He will not abandon me. Though the circumstances have not changed I am regaining my voice. Slowly but surely I am remembering who I am and what I stand for. This is going to be a hard month. But the lord did not put me here on this team in this country for nothing. His timing is perfect. So I have to trust in him.
IF you could only grasp how wide and how long and how high and how deep
then you'd know, yes, I really love you.
Do you wonder if you are too far away from me?
My love is wider still
Do you think that you've been away too long?
My love will wait longer.
Do you believe that no one would ever want someone like you?
My love is higher than all the others.
Have you been sure that you are too far gone?
My love is deep enough to reach even you.
You cannot fall past my love
You cannot outrun my love
You cannot reach the end of my love
It is wide and long and high and deep enough for you.
If you could be praying that I learn to walk as who God has created me to be even through adversity. That God would give me an understanding for those around me. That I would walk in supernatural grace and mercy. That I would regain the voice to stand and declare this is who I am and what I stand for. I want to be who I am no matter who I am with or where I am. God has built a foundation under my feet and now he is teaching me how to stand on it and rely on him when all else is moving.
I miss you all so much!!!!!!!
hi again,
ReplyDeletei really empathize with you about how you feel. i rember feeling pretty alone during my alaska mission. it was the same kind of stuff you wrote about. i felt isolated from my team and i felt i didn't belong there at all,i missed home and the people that knew me best,etc.. ultimately, i never asked why because i knew god chose me to love those kids. you know that too,kate. its not about us its about them.he calls us because he loves us.we are children of god. thats all that matters.i believe in you too,friend.its going to be hard,but you will come out of this stronger,wiser,etc. my prayers are with ya still. miss you and can't wait to hear all about the trip when you get back.
Stay strong Kate.....I know you will! Just keep remembering why you are there and that you have tons of people back home who care about you and are so proud of you. I love your honesty in your writing and can wait to read your next journal entry. You are on an adventure of a life time. I am glad you are taking it all in!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Mary Beth