Do's and Don'ts

Italy has been incredible. A much needed rest after a month in Africa. It has been moments of laughing till I almost pee, good food and, and the best of friends. Ireland was incredible too.

Traveling from Africa straight to Ireland and then Italy was a stretch for me. It took till Italy to realize I was experiencing culture shock. My range of emotions in Africa went from joy to a need for justice to mourning to so many others. I spent the days rarely wearing shoes or make up and living off Cornmeal and Chicken. Then all of sudden I am in Ireland eating cheese and pasta and drinking beer and feeling so off balance. It took me days to realize I was very conflicted. I was caught up in the joy of seeing my friends and enjoying hot water again. There were moments of silence where I would start to wonder why I was feeling so confused.

All of a sudden I was afraid. Here I am in a country where its legal for me to drink and I had not even stopped to question whether or not I was supposed to be consuming any alcohol. I knew that I was not being irresponsible but I still felt like I was sitting in a puddle refusing to look at God. After a month of depending on God alone I had ripped control from his hands again and was refusing to look at him.

We were on a Train to Sienna and I had my first moment of alone time since I left Africa. I was craving a moment alone with God. The only way I could explain it is that my soul was crying out and I wanted nothing other than to curl up with my bible and my ipod and spend the train ride with my Jesus. I sat there and said nothing but here I am. For awhile I just sat listening to my worship music. Then I heard God in my heart. He said Kate you treat my kingdom like its a country club. If you wear the wrong thing or say something unkind or drink than you will be kicked out of my club. That is not how I work. You are sealed in my name and the fact that you see those imperfections allows me to do the work you would try to do yourself.

I heard God speaking to me about how I often make a list of rules that I need to follow. Do's and Don'ts. Instead of a list of wants. I want to spend time with you lord. I want to sit here and not move because your presence is so beautiful. I want to spend time with you instead of doing something else. Then I started to wonder how many times I say should rather than want. I sat there on the train and put my journal down and began to cry. I spent the rest of the train saying nothing, reading nothing, and enjoying the peace that comes with loving the lord and wanting a relationship with him.

I dont pretend to be perfect or get the answers right all the time but I do know that I love God with all that I have and all I am. I want to spend my life trying to please him out of sheer love not fear or condemnation. I want to pursue God like I would any guy. I want to feel free to be mr and realize that often my mistakes are a breeding ground for Gods wisdom, humility, and grace.

Europe is AMAZING!! But i miss my family and everyone back at home. I am ready to come home!!