Do's and Don'ts

Italy has been incredible. A much needed rest after a month in Africa. It has been moments of laughing till I almost pee, good food and, and the best of friends. Ireland was incredible too.

Traveling from Africa straight to Ireland and then Italy was a stretch for me. It took till Italy to realize I was experiencing culture shock. My range of emotions in Africa went from joy to a need for justice to mourning to so many others. I spent the days rarely wearing shoes or make up and living off Cornmeal and Chicken. Then all of sudden I am in Ireland eating cheese and pasta and drinking beer and feeling so off balance. It took me days to realize I was very conflicted. I was caught up in the joy of seeing my friends and enjoying hot water again. There were moments of silence where I would start to wonder why I was feeling so confused.

All of a sudden I was afraid. Here I am in a country where its legal for me to drink and I had not even stopped to question whether or not I was supposed to be consuming any alcohol. I knew that I was not being irresponsible but I still felt like I was sitting in a puddle refusing to look at God. After a month of depending on God alone I had ripped control from his hands again and was refusing to look at him.

We were on a Train to Sienna and I had my first moment of alone time since I left Africa. I was craving a moment alone with God. The only way I could explain it is that my soul was crying out and I wanted nothing other than to curl up with my bible and my ipod and spend the train ride with my Jesus. I sat there and said nothing but here I am. For awhile I just sat listening to my worship music. Then I heard God in my heart. He said Kate you treat my kingdom like its a country club. If you wear the wrong thing or say something unkind or drink than you will be kicked out of my club. That is not how I work. You are sealed in my name and the fact that you see those imperfections allows me to do the work you would try to do yourself.

I heard God speaking to me about how I often make a list of rules that I need to follow. Do's and Don'ts. Instead of a list of wants. I want to spend time with you lord. I want to sit here and not move because your presence is so beautiful. I want to spend time with you instead of doing something else. Then I started to wonder how many times I say should rather than want. I sat there on the train and put my journal down and began to cry. I spent the rest of the train saying nothing, reading nothing, and enjoying the peace that comes with loving the lord and wanting a relationship with him.

I dont pretend to be perfect or get the answers right all the time but I do know that I love God with all that I have and all I am. I want to spend my life trying to please him out of sheer love not fear or condemnation. I want to pursue God like I would any guy. I want to feel free to be mr and realize that often my mistakes are a breeding ground for Gods wisdom, humility, and grace.

Europe is AMAZING!! But i miss my family and everyone back at home. I am ready to come home!!

Growth... the good kind

Leaving Africa was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. We visited a third world village on thursday and I finally understood why God had taken me on this trip. Some missionaries we had befriended during our trip wanted us to come out and look at the community development project that they are working on. They work in a village called Grepe. Before they arrived the occupants ate one meal a day and HIV was running rampant due to the local brothel. We arrived and most of the men were in a drunk stupor because alcohol is cheap and they cannot find jobs so what else should they occupy their time with. We were walking through this village looking at a school that housed 265 kids when really a hundred kids was its capacity. A herd... and I mean herd of kids followed our team. The ages spanned from 1 to 12 or so. And they were fascinated with our hair. From time to time you would feel a quick hand sneak up to touch the very fascinating discovery. It made me giggle. As we walked through the town I was overwhelmed with the level of poverty we were seeing. I was beginning to understand why the boys we worked with had to leave their homes and find a life on the streets. Then I saw this little girl on the fringe of the group of kids. She was not running and playing with the others. She was leaning against the house and eating some sort of plant. I felt a check in my heart and turned around to go to her. As I got closer I could tell she was very sick. Her whole body was covered in soars and her eyes did not look right. I was still sick and for a second thought no I will leave her here. Then I asked God to protect me... I did not care what that girl had I knew I needed to hug her. I asked her name... Anna Banda she said. She was 5. I asked if she wanted to walk with me and she latched onto my hand and never let go. My heart broke. I started sobbing in the middle of this village. For the first time since I had stepped on African soil I felt my heart soar as God intended it to. I realized there is a reason I am never passionate about the USA. Because I was made to reach those who do not feel loved, I was created to find the lost and show them that Jesus is there... Always. This little girl left an imprint on my heart that will never leave. And I will never  forget those little hands clasped onto mine as I hugged her. She smiled once... and it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. My heart split and I realized Jesus loves you... really loves you. I was not just saying out of habit this time, for the first time in my life I was getting a glimpse of my fathers heart and it will dictate the direction in which my life goes from this day on. Anna Banda has sickle cell and has less than 6 months to live. I will probably never see that girl in heaven but I pray that God tells her what she has done for me.

The Boys
We said goodbye to the boys on Friday. Man that just sucked. There was no other word to describe. Well, there is but its not appropriate for posting on a public blog :) One of the older boys Benny G that I had really connected with walked up to me and said Kate you promised not to cry. He wiped the tears off my face and then we both lost it. I think he and I sat there for the longest hug of the century. It was so hard. Captain Jack got up to tell us goodbye and couldnt finish what he wanted to say because the tears came. I got on the bus after we left put on my sunglasses and ipod and asked God to show me how to depend on him. Because I do not want to run from pain... but it hurt to watch those boys waving as we drove off. I do not know if I will ever make it back to that place but I pray that one day God will let me. One day. But if I do not I know that my international adventures are only just beginning. I have a heart for those kids. And jesus knew it all along.

London
London was gorgeous. Big Ben has been my favorite site of all so far. I learned something last night. The longer I walk with the Lord more I see. Its exhilirating and hard. We were in downtown London, where all the clubs are. The active part of London late at night. There were moments where I had to tell myself to stop looking because of the lack of clothing on most of the people around me. I forgot what our culture is like. And then I remembered how consumed with this world i used to be. I was struggling last night, there were clubs, and charming guys, and the whole lifestyle I gave up. I could feel myself slipping. And as I was walking down the street, Job 31:1 popped into my head. I have made a covenant with my eyes not to look upon anyone with lust. My eyes were opened and the scripture I have been memorizing the last month flooded into my head consuming every thought. I shut up and realized wow god this is what this is like. I started singing and quickly put my Ipod in my ears. Walking through the red district of London singing Hillsong and feeling at peace with God. I never imagined in my life I would do that... Ever. As I walked the glitz and glamour disappeared and I felt nothing but freedom. I thanked God for reminding me how easy it is to slip back into that life. Its not hard... thats what makes walking in truth so hard. But I was soaring on eagles wings last night. I was so thankful for everything God has taken me through and from. Because my life... is his. The End